Gayleggg - you are always kind and helpful. I appreciate that. My T keeps telling me I have to just find "radical acceptance" of what happened. I can't accept it, it hurts so much -- it burns in the depths of my soul, if that makes sense.

Waggiedog -- I wish I had never been born, too. If this is what life has in store for me, beat me around, kick me when I'm down, I don't know. I am sick of being a punching bag for the entire Universe.

Celebrat8 -- that is the route I went, to some pretty big extremes, like a second cell phone, a post office box to use as an address for billing, etc. And, that in and of itself if nerve-wracking -- covering this up requires a level of perfect that is nearly unobtainable for mere mortals. So, I live in fear of being "outed". Sometimes I think I just take out a full page ad on the back of the Detroit News that says "MotownJohnny is a mental patient. Deal with it. Do what you want to him. He doesn't care anymore, and wishes he was dead." I have told a few people, voluntarily, and a few people against my will because they knew too much or pried into my private facts. Most of them were really good about it, but still ... you never know, and people can turn on you and use information against you.

Hankster -- the only "mistakes" I made in life were being dumb enough to get railroaded and intimidated into this. I walked in to that psychiatrist's office not knowing it would be a firestorm. I was afraid to say no -- I had visions of police showing up at my house or work and dragging me off in the back of a squad car in handcuffs. Since I desperately wanted to keep this quiet, based on the facts, I chose to do the day program -- the hospital is really close to my work, the hours are about the same. Obviously, my work/boss knew I was having medical problems, but I was able to gloss over, big-time, what it was. My family -- no one knew I was NOT at work.

Rohag -- oh, absolutely. Are your familiar with the American television program Dexter? In the third season, Dexter pursues a serial killer knicknamed "Trinity" -- turns out he is a man who appears to have the "perfect" life and family. Except for the horrible dark secrets he harbors, the way he abuses his family, and so forth. Well, my father wasn't far away from "Trinity" -- he didn't kill people, but he certainly made us live a double life. And, he hated me, took every opportunity to tear me down, so my self-esteem is pretty minimal to begin with.

Here Today -- I will check out this Brene Brown information, thank you. I know, my childhood was horrific, my T says it was one of the worst cases of emotional/mental abuse she has heard of in 20 plus years as a T.

Webgoji. I know, in a sense that is very true. But, I still feel like a failure, like a coward, like a weakling. Not man enough to live, and not man enough to die. The thing is, I went to that Dr's office with the exact expectation of "getting it fixed" and instead, I ended up about a billion times worse off than I was. I was expecting to diffuse a firecracker, I didn't know I would have to clean up the aftermath of the detonation of a Hiroshima sized bomb.

Fuzzybear. Thank you.