That's how it is. I have to be strong for myself, because no one's here to catch me if I'm not. I'm surrounded by people who could help, but no one does for long. I've fought for my life two months non-stop, looking for someone to support and help guide me, but I'm still left fending for myself. I took myself to the hospital instead of hanging myself. I brought myself back the next day and the next for the partial program, alone. Thank God my casemanager and psychiatrist there actually saw how far gone I was and pushed me to go inpatient, they would have gotten me in there involuntary if I wasn't willing to go voluntarily. But I was left in partial until then, alone over lunch, free to run, as I almost did. I was so close to leaving and hanging myself, or downing my load of vikadin, darvocet, elavil, effexor, zoloft, glucophage, lexapro and wellbutrin in my purse. That was a real danger, I came there with the thought I would down those that day or the next. I fought right up until they took me into the locked unit with the urge to run and die or let them try to help me. But despite actually wanting to die, not just escape, but to die, I fought and stayed it out.
Even in the locked-down unit, with all possible suicide uses taken away and monitored closely, with checks every half hour, I had to fight. I still managed to find a couple ideas which may have worked, and I had to force myself to stay around people and only sleep at night knocked out by ambien to keep from thinking of it and gathering what I'd have needed. I even gave up and admitted to thinking of using a certain clothing item to get myself safe. I fight hard.
And now I continue to fight alone, to finish out partial. To go to therapy. To search for a job. To finish my school semester. To keep myself safe. To somehow pay for all this. To find motivation to live. To somehow heal. To live with my family and try to shield my mom, and myself from her. To search for someone to listen. To deal with my friend's painful choices and my own involvement in triggering her. To re-commit to my faith. To try to be strong for those I've tried to help.
It's so much to do, and all I have is my own will to do it.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...