Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam
This happened with my ex. I am short, blonde, and curvy (fairly busty and a size 12); he preferred thin women with dark hair and about the only thing that was similar was that they were all chesty. He told me I wasn't his type and I became obsessive about his whereabouts and all the women in his life.
I am the heaviest girl my current boyfriend has dated and because of that, I find every woman an extreme threat. It's so tiring being so hypervigilant that I constantly await him leaving me for someone better. You are not alone in feeling this way.
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Angel,
Your main problem is in how you use words. This is fixable. Even with BPD, this is fixable.
Example - you say that you are the heaviest girl your current bf has dated. This may technically be true, but a better way to say it out loud and to conceptualize it in your mind is via "I am the curviest and most feminine girl my bf has ever laid his hands on".
Problem solved? It is all within your power.
Plus, curviness - not any kind of curviness, but, to be exact, a low waist-to-hip ratio, is a preferred female form, evolution-wise. A low waist-to-hip ratio is a parameter of health; children of women who have a low waist-to-hip ratio are smarter, other things being equal; the outcomes of teen pregnancies are better if teen moms have a low waist-to-hip ratio. So from the standpoint of evolution, your shape is a winner, and all the negative self-talk that is going on in your mind is purely your disease (BPD) speaking.
There is nothing in reality to feed what you perceive as a constant threat - it is all BPD distorting your your thoughts.
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OP - let me attempt to tell your future by using a cognitive-behavioral approach.
So right now you think that your skin is too tan for your boyfriend to like it. You go behind his back to spy on his records, all completely unprovoked and unjustified.
You are unhappy and not fun to be with.
Eventually he would leave you because he'd be exhausted by your untreated depression, annoyed by your sneaky ways that violate his privacy, etc. Nothing to do with your shape or complexion, and everything to do with the fact that you are not fun to be with.
In your mind, you will form a cognitive distortion in that you will attribute the fact of his leaving you to your shape and complexion, and not to the sad truth that you are not fun to be with.
Eventually you will find another boyfriend, and let us say for the sake of a hypothetical that his former girlfriend would be a black gal.
Your mind, using that same mechanism of producing cognitive distortions, will decide that now you are not tan ENOUGH. You will decide that men either like girls who are really pale, or, who are altogether black, but your particular complexion, which is tan but not fully black, is the only kind of complexion men do NOT like. So you will be unhappy once again and will once again annoy your new bf by browsing through his digital records without his invitation or permission, and he will leave you, eventually, tired from living with a woman who is not fun to be with.
A third boyfriend's ex girlfriend would have a completely flat behind. Your mind will conclude that girls with round derrieres are attractive and girls with flat behinds are attractive, and only your particular booty, which is small but not completely flat, is unattractive.
You will go on and on, not seeing that men leave you for that simple reason that you are not fun to be with, and instead concluding that you are hopelessly plain in terms of looks.
See where it is going unless and until you do something about cognitive distortions your mind is so eager to produce? Act now!