"If anyone can think of any way to get through to me, please do so. I actually have a pretty great life, a lot to live for, so this is, frankly, just plain dumb when distilled down to it's essence, which is I am contemplating suicide because I'm embarrassed." quote MowtownJohnny

I think that your problem is how you have determined "worthiness". If you could really have the ability to be in a position where you could listen to humanity as a whole, you would really change your perception of "worthiness".

You don't have to "accept" what happened to you. What happened to you was wrong, bad, terrible for a child to have to deal with growing up. That is a part of your history that you now know was wrong and it hurt you. What you have not realized is that as bad as it was, YOU SURVIVED IT and YOU THRIVED IN YOUR LIFE.

Just because you experience a trauma and it rattled you so deeply that you broke and needed time out at a psych ward doesn't mean you are worthless in any way. Do you realize how many of the men we respect and call hero's broke down? Abraham Lincoln battled what they called melancholy for years. Considering what he witnessed in his life my guess is both him and his wife probably suffered from PTSD.

Even Thomas Jefferson struggled with deep regrets until the day he died. But even though he was not perfect he presented some amazing ideas and ideals that are still very valued even today.

Where do you think "knowledge" comes from, where does "strength" come from? Well, it is never just given or born, it is earned through "surviving" Mowtown. We do not have to "accept" anything, if that was the case we would all be back in the stone age wearing animal skins and with a short life expectancy. Human beings have always had predators to be concerned about. We have evolved the way we have because of constantly having to learn how to survive in a world full of predators be it natural disasters, animal predators, or other human predators. We built fortresses, massive walls, devised all kinds of weapons, and we have never eliminated "threat".

And this reality doesn't just bother you Mowtown, it challenges every human being. And what drives us forward is that we do not "just accept", we keep working and creating and changing and growing, and I doubt that will ever change either.

You are struggling with PTSD, it challenges every person who develops it, and many people struggle with it in the past and even now. It stops people in their tracks and makes them really think, and some of what is learned from that is considered a truth that has helped us gain more insight and depth.

You are at a stage of PTSD that is very difficult, it takes time to move past it, it is hard and many do not understand it, yet many do once you go looking. You say that you have met others who struggle that have amazed you at how deep and thoughtful they are, what is wrong with that, is it wrong to be a part of those who have compassion and a different kind of wisdom and depth to them? Yes, many of these people are good people, wise and caring.

You are a good person too Mowtown, you don't have to accept, you can say it was wrong, but you do need to develop "compassion for self", and that takes time and patience and mercy for the humanity in self.

((Hugs))
OE