I am almost 57 and I have gotten to the point to where there is nothing anyone can say anymore to make me feel better about growing old alone. I don't look in the mirror except when getting ready for work. My daughter has distanced herself from me over a year and a half ago. The family dynamic that once was is gone now that my daughter is separated. I have 3 grandkids. The oldest is 15 and no longer calls me. My grandson has autism. The youngest is 5 and she still likes to visit but one day she will outgrow it. I pushed my friends away because I am tired of pointless chatter. They are alone like me and they accept it but I cannot. There are no answers and why am I beating a dead horse? I see my shrink on Monday and what can he say that can help? I will ask him that. The meds I am on don't do anything. They help with OCD but not depression. The song Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues has been constantly filling my head and making me cry because I was 13 when the song came out and all I think of is wanting to go back to the 70s. I was happy once in my whole life and that was when I was in love in 1975. Nothing ever came again. I feel like I failed. I don't want to be alone but there isn't any hope for me to ever find a companion. I feel a deep loneliness that I have never experienced in my life. It came when my daughter pulled away from me. I am not blaming her. She has her own problems. But she got tired of seeing me depressed while she was growing up and she knows if she tells me her troubles that I will get freaked out and worried about her and that freaks her out. So I don't know the half of what she goes through.
I post pictures on FB of dead flowers. I feel like a flower nobody picked and it is dying. Nobody on FB gets it. I can't blatantly scream "HELP ME" because people I know say the same things and there is no answer. I have heard everything and nothing helps me.
I can't listen to my favorite music because it evokes memories of better times and makes me feel like I want to just scream and not stop. I wish there was a med that can dull that feeling in my head. I don't have any interest in anything anymore anyway. Why am I even posting? Like I mentioned it's a dead horse.