To all of you - I must come across as a broken record. I have been a member here for about 4-5 months, since July I believe. And, what I wrote in my opening post of this thread could have come from probably my first posts here - no growth, no change.

I am STUCK! It truly is like the concept of Purgatory - waiting to move on, either way, because anything is better than this.

OE - you must have the patience of a saint, you keep putting up with me.

RP - intellectually, I know you are right, well, for the most part. But I am not the same guy I was, and I never will be, nor can be. The thing is, I mourn for that guy - he had problems, but at least he had his pride. I don't have that, I feel disgraced.

H4M - your question cuts right to the crux of the matter, and I have read it slowly, carefully many times. I have this visceral reaction to it, so I know it's true - "THEY will reject me, ALL of them". That is my fear - everyone in my life, family, work, friends/ acquaintances, even the many professionals I have hired, such as my several personal trainers I work with - will order me out of their lives, forever, and I will be totally alone, for the rest of my life. And that terrifies me, I have spent so much of my life alone and desperately lonely. I know some people with MH issues distrust others, or want or need to be alone, but I am the opposite - I crave meaningful personal interaction, I want deep, committed relationships, I am still learning how to form those bonds. A Bon Jovi song just popped into my mind -
"I Want To Be Loved"

I had a roof overhead
Had shoes on my feet
Sure I was fed, but no-one was there
When I was in need, yeah

So who am I now?
Who do you want me to be?
I can forgive you, but I won't relive you
I aint the same scared kid I used to be

[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I aint gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna be loved
I wanna be loved

I found a picture
Our so-called family tree, yeah
I broke all the branches, looking for answers
Don't you know that aint how it's supposed to be

[Chorus]
I'm gonna live
I'm gonna survive
Don't want the world to pass me by
I'm gonna dream
I ain't gonna die
Thinking my life was just a lie
I wanna give
I'm ready to try
Willing to lay it on the line
I wanna be loved
I wanna be loved

I aint gonna cry
I dont wanna scream
But i got so much left unsaid inside of me

[Chorus]

I just wanna be loved
I wanna be loved

Except I question the part about surviving. I work less than a mile from one major sporting goods store, I drive past another on my daily commute home. And all I think about, obsessively, is that they all the means to my self-destruction, and I really want to make that "investment in my future" and have it here, available, on 24/7 standby for when the time comes.

I have every advantage in life - money, career, education, family (even if difficult at times), community, access to health care. I'm sitting here right now in a recliner, a fire in the fireplace, the dog is asleep on the sofa, Fish the fish is doing what fish do, swimming around in his tank, my diamond doves are asleep nestled up to each other on the high perch in their cage. I have the coolest plants in this room in front of the big south-facing windows - a papaya tree that is in bloom, a cinnamon tree which smells great if you rub a leaf, a lemon tree with 6 ripe lemons, a red hibiscus that blooms all winter, 8 orchids in bloom, a bunch of original artwork on the walls. 25 feet away out in the driveway is the brand new SUV I just bought myself, loaded to the max, all of 108 miles on it now, and I paid cash for it. My office at work is just as nice, fish tank next to the desk, orchids and right now poinsettias, artwork, all kinds of tech to make work easier. I went to REI at lunch to look at a bike rack for the car, bought myself a $200 cycling jacket on impulse without batting an eye. My closet is full of designer clothes and expensive shoes and ties. I live in a fantasy land here, my entire town does, it's one of the most affluent communities in the US, it's the American Dream on steroids. I have poured a ton of money into fixing myself, when problems crop up, I give it a full-court press. I should be the happiest guy in the world, I should wake up facing each day with optimism and confidence. I have every possible advantage in life, and I could have anything, pretty much, I wanted, including the ability to move up professionally, I could go to law school or get a different advanced degree if I wanted to. AND ...

... ALL I can think of is how great it would be to kill myself. Because I can't live with the shame of where I was or the fear of being abandoned.