(((Mowtown))),

First of all, it's ok if you are stuck and it doesn't matter how many times you come here and talk about it or repeat what you are feeling. I am patient with you because I genuinely know what you are going through, I have been where you are, stuck and frustrated feeling like I lost my psychological identity somehow. I would get up and stare out the window and look at my pond and my pretty place and wonder where that person I was went that had so much get up an go and productivity and vigor. It was as though something broke into my brain and hid "me" somewhere and whatever "was" there had no light in it. It is strange how one can have people all around and yet be so lonely and lost.

After I wrote to you in this thread, I hoped that you would not be pushed in the wrong direction by it. What I try to do for you is I try to find things for you to think about that can counter act the core "negative" messages that your father instilled in you as a child.

When a child is parented by a parent that not only doesn't nurture him/her, but sends so many negative messages of unworthiness, that makes it very hard for a child to have that core of "value and sense of worthiness to thrive in life". What "can" happen in that scenario is the child can develop a sense of spite and desire to "I am going to thrive and do well in spite of what you say about me, you wait and see, I will prove you wrong".

Well, that isn't all bad, that can take place because of how we are designed to have the capacity to grow angry and actually decide to take on a challenge that can fuel us with a lot of drive. There are endless examples of that to bring up, and all of these examples are what encouraged human beings to stake out new territories all over our planet. These new territories are not only in taking over new habitats, but also in developing new technology and wisdom to be pushed out onto others so that others will respond with reason and direction as well.

However, when a trauma happens that comes out of no where and penetrates so deeply that it threatens and disturbs us to the core, and sets us back so deeply that it shatters that driving force that had such a sense of "empowerment and control", a person can really get lost and suddenly develop strong fears and confusion because of how they "were" so deeply penetrated. Now, this does happen in our childhoods, in different ways, and our parent/parents are supposed to be there when it happens to slowly help us
learn by comforting us and talking to us, teaching us, and being there to encourage us until we face whatever it is and realize we can learn how to overcome it and our parent sends us a message of approval. That can also come from mentors too. That is what has been "missing" in you. That is your "core hurt" Mowtown and your core "hurt" is how your father kept sending you these very negative messages and because you have been traumatized and set back, your core is thinking "maybe he was right, I am worthless and now that I broke and needed help and struggle, all the people like my father are going to see that and decide I am worthless and fair game like I was as a little boy that could not fight back when my father hurt me."

(((Mowtown))), this is what has to "heal" in you. And because this "hurt" has been there so long and you have worked around it, it is not going to be overcome in 16 months. I do not like the phrase "radical acceptance" either. I don't have quite the same "core issues as you do", but I am also very challenged and I have realized that "my core hurts" that are deep and the only thing I "have" accepted is that I have to slowly figure out what is there and how to finally learn how it hurt me in ways I didn't realize, mourn whatever I lost because of it, and slowly learn how to repair and rebuild and move forward.

For myself Mowtown, I have been victimized and let down so many times, when I look back the "hurt and injury consumes me to my core". I can look back at that child in me and feel to my core that I was such a good natured child and was constantly being challenged by so much dysfunction that I never really knew what feeling "safe" really felt like. I realize that what I "thought" was that with each bad/traumatic/scary thing I experienced that after it was over I got past it and it was gone/over. I never imagined that it was hurting me the way I see it now. When I look back and feel that little girl, I WAS DAMN BRAVE for such a little child. I do see that over and over at different traumas I had to endure throughout my life. I could never understand "how or why" others could be so bad or wrong or mean because what others did to me, never entered my own mind to do or think about doing at all. For as long as I can remember my constant question was "why". I just wanted to know "why" Mowtown, because the things I saw were just so unproductive to me, and I could not understand how anyone could feel a reward from being so bad like that, it just didn't make any sense to me. However, my constant little inner fire said, "No matter how bad, I am going to be good because what I see is bad and wrong and I am not going to be like that no matter what".

Mowtown, I never changed that "core" either and I was constantly challenged over and over almost like other people "needed to break that in me or be so bad that they resented me and somehow needed to break me so I would end up getting pulled down to their level". I was really challenged sometimes and near breaking and often at such a loss that I could not even go into a church because I would just break into tears and embarrass myself. So I used to wait until everyone was gone and sit outside the church in front of the cross affixed to the side and just cry and ask for guidance. After I did that, I would make sure that I would look for anything I could grab onto that something positive to think about. And oddly enough I did come across messages here and there that I could grab onto to help me keep going. It could be in a movie, a news article, a question from my daughter, something I overhear someone else saying, believe me, I really looked for something and it did come but I often had to be very patient.

I went on that way for a long time until what I did build up that helped so much was so badly invaded that it just broke me completely down. I had this pony that came into my life and she was such a gift and made many things open up for me. When my daughter was picked on because of her dyslexia and had a hard time making friends this pony was so nice that I could have my daughter invite other little girls over and she could ride her pony and the other little girls could ride this pony who just took care of any child and was safe. I used her to teach so many children how to ride on, I took her so many places and she was always amazing even with children who were so severely handicapped.

It was like god gave me a gift to help me along in spite of my husband's alcoholism, that hurt me so bad yet I stayed with him while he got sober and was so involved with that that I was often alone a lot. I was not considered 'good material" when I was a girl scout leader because I was struggling with an alcoholic husband. When that came out the other mothers withdrew their children from my troop and I had to find a way to explain to my daughter "why" all of a sudden she lost all her friends. God, it was so hard Mowtown, I was so challenged and at the same time trying so hard to raise a child that struggle with dyslexia and could not understand "why" she could not read and spell like her piers. And I had to be strong even though I never knew if what my husband was going to do next that would challenge me. He was a good man, but he was a wild card that tended to compromise anything I built up that was positive.

Well, I kept working at it, and I had that pony and she helped me in so many ways. She helped me with my daughter and she helped me begin to develop my business where I made money and found some other ponies and I built up a healthy productive environment for my family and my husband also began to get involved and it gave a positive direction and did a lot for my little family. My husband had always loved children, actually had wanted to work as a special ed teacher, but when he was in college his exposure to that was too hard on him emotionally. So I had a pony for him to take out that allowed him to utilize that part of him and be able to work with children in a positive way. That pony too was like a gift and him and that white pony were pals and it was so helpful to him and positive that he grew with that in his life. He did work at other things, but this was something that "fed him spiritually". And my daughter was very involved too and she ended up becoming a really good rider and it was nice because though school and her dyslexia was a challenge, this part gave her rewards for working at something and achieving.

That was all destroyed by my neighbor's dog Mowtown. My special pony got hurt bad and in spite of my efforts to try to save her, I lost her. It just broke me and I didn't know what to do with that deep pain, so I went in the church this time and suddenly people came in and I was at a pew and I was crying and these people sat on the other side and a woman came out and began to talk about "dealing with priests and children being molested". This woman thought I was crying because of that, and what was really hard about that is that "I was victim of CSA" not from a priest though, but I had also been raped and that was the last thing I wanted to think about that day. It was all I could do to get out of that church that day.

I didn't do well, because all I was doing was tending to my damaged animals and my neighbor was so mean and I didn't have enough money to pay for the vets I needed to have come out to see what was hurt in them all. I finally could not get up anymore and I just completely broke down. I just didn't want to get up anymore at all, so I went to a psych ward and it was horrible because the psychiatrist was from India and he thought that what I was so hurt and angry about was totally unreasonable and he called me a narcissist and they all treated me like I was wrong and selfish to be so hurt.

My ponies were like my children, I loved them sooo much I appreciate all they did for my family and they were destroyed, BUT APPARANTLY I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE SO COMPLETELY GRIEF STRICKEN about that.

Mowtown, everyone was so angry with me for being so hurt, it was TERRIBLE. I don't even know how I managed to hang on because I wanted to end so bad.

I saw it happen and it haunts me and I have a neighbor who was negligent, wrong, letting their dog out at night knowing it would get into my yard because their electric fence was broken, but they figured I would not see it at night. What is so hard for me is the amount of protection he has even though they do not respect my boundaries, even tore down my no trespassing sign standing there in front of me saying they don't like it and that they knew their system had not been working but it is my word against theirs.

I hired a lawyer that failed me because he has dementia and it took me 5 years to finally get another attorney to see it.

I know all about "fear" and maybe I will lose and the bad guy will win. I know all about feeling like "a punching bag" believe me Mowtown. I am so intimately aware of those very dark thoughts and everything you are saying. I know right where you are because I look back at my own psychological footsteps as I read what you are saying.

But Mowtown, I also see the "good" in you and I want you to find your way to seeing it too. That is why I am so patient and believe me I listen intently because I do know where you are in this struggle they name PTSD. You need time to "heal" and slowly "learn" how to see yourself differently, life differently, and slowly find your way to embracing that good man in you in spite of what ever has challenged that. That has been my journey too. But you and I are not alone with that either, and you have not really taken that in yet, and I am still working on that part myself, but I have made my way beyond where you are so I know it comes "slowly". It's okay to feel it though, and reach out and ask these questions, because you need to realize you are not alone, you are actually in good company and you have seen glimpses of it. You gotta keep trying and I know how hard it is, but you really are not as alone as you think you are.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE