How do I stay calm and sane and free from guilt. I have been married for 27 years to a wonderful man, who was killed(not literally) by drug abuse two years ago. Now he is a different person, some brain damage i think due to his using.. I have 2 grown children, who also started their drug use in less than a year after our daughter, their sister died at age 16 of leukemia. I suspect my husbands use was due to the lack in really feeling her death. It has been almost 9 years now, I have decided to divorce after a separation of a year. My husband is non medicated bi-polar as well, and he has accepted the divorce and is oddly happy and 'seems' to be relieved.. he barley sustains his own life, after a failed business and his drug abuse confession to our family his only aspiration was to live on Venice beach as a bum. I find myself sad most all of the time grieving the loss of what could have been and what we have shared and have lost. I feel abandoned even tho I was the one who made the decision. He has always been my "Savior", now Im all alone again.. i think I have forgotten who I am and how to take care of just me. My children dont care they say that we are divorcing.. but the absence of them in my life proves that actions speak louder than words.... holidays dont help either. ughhhh