How do you even cope with such a situation?

I hate to admit it, but I went to session rather under the influence (I smoked before hand.)

I know how stupid, disrespectful and rude it was, but I did it because I was just so mentally exhausted from the past two weeks when my T was out of the country, and I felt like the only way I could get the nerves down yesterday was smoking.

Now, I admitted to smoking right at the end of session, to which my T replied "wow, I didn't even know you were high. I couldn't tell at all." But she told me she wasn't mad, but that we would not have any more sessions if I was under the influence which is completely, completely understandable.

She repeatedly told me she wasn't angry with me, but that she didn't like me choice. And she asked me "you smoked knowing you had session?" But in a very concerned and sad voice.

She was disappointed, very much so. I apologized and apologized, and she told me not too, but to learn from this mistake. And that she makes tons of stupid decisions so she's not mad.

But I know she's disappointed.

We switched topics after, and she asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and when my orientation for my new job starts, etc.

But I see her Tuesday, and I'm so nervous that she's really, very disappointed.

I'm disappointed enough with myself and all I did was self-criticize and judge yesterday. I don't need her disappointed, too.

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