I just do not know how to get across the chasm. I know I could be happy, but I can't do it. The entire thing has taken on a life of its own. I think obsessively about it - nearly 24/7. Every good thought, every positive mood is followed by "yes, but I am mentall ill, they will hate me" or "I have been in the psych ward, they will crucify me if they find out". It is as if I never can find peace again.

Meds haven't helped. 16 months of weekly therapy haven't helped. Alternative medicine hasn't helped. Being self-indulgent hasn't helped. Frankly, I have only done one thing that has helped, it is my extreme fitness quest. But it isn't enough.

I am convinced that people will crucify me if they find out - I see this scenario in my mind, coming home some night and finding my family there to confront me, telling me to get out, take my things, and never come back. Maybe even have the police there to force me to leave. Or, the other scenario, they try to have me committed. Either way, I am a dead man.

I know it is irrational paranoia. But I can't shake it.