Hey guys I'm sorry i know i haven't been around much. I always feel bad cause it seems i don't come on for months then when i do all i manage is to complain. I really don't even know what to say. I can't even pin point whats really wrong with me. For some reason i keep waking up every morning at 6 :04 right on the dot i've done this now for about 2 weeks. I don't really know why, but i can't go back to sleep even when i try. A friend asked me if there was something special about that time but not that i can really remember.

I've also been having nightmares. Dreams of my fathers death. He's 65 and it scares me out of my mind. He's not my really my father. but he's the only one i've ever known. I'm an only child now , and the fear of being alone haunts me. I'm not ready for it, yet i know i should be getting braced for it. Everyone passes away eventually. Yet some have others to fall back on, i won't.

I want to go back to where i was born. I'm miles and miles away from there. But i just feel like i need to. I need to see it. MAybe even find my sister. She's older then me by a few years. I wonder if she ever thinks of me I wonder if she ever remebers ?

And someday what if i decide to get married, and have children. What happens if they get depression like i have it. I don't want to put another person through that. I don't want to see my child suffer because of me.

Its been hard again now, that hurt it just taking over. I feel alone and i know at this moment i'm really not. I don't want t o be so alone, i just can't stand it anymore.