I don't have strong defences, that is the problem. Once i start needing her, i'll need her a lot, i'll want her to comfort me instead of doing it for myself and i can only contact her outside of session if it's a crisis, then will i feel like i'm making things more dramatic and deliberately not try to cope just so i can get her help outside of session? Then i'll get angry at her cos she's not meeting my needs outside of therapy. And i'll feel all out of control.
If she does meet my needs, will i then feel the abject fear of losing her? Which once again makes me needy and angry.
It just goes downhill from there so i'm trying to avoid all of that by keeping myself contained.

I totally agree with what you're saying FKM, but re the journal, whether i write in it or not, isn't the therapist getting my emotions 2nd hand anyway? If my meltdown happens 3 days before session then i go in tell her i had a hard day, it's old news by then anyway? And if she wants to be there for me when they're happening then she needs to allow me to call her then and not just when i'm in crisis? Ugh i'm so confused! And everytime you use the word attachment in relation to her, my heart flips in fear lol