i don't know how to take care of myself... I really don't so I'm drinking wine now, yea on top of dumb meds, bad me... not the whole bottle, just a couple large glasses with a lot of ice.
cleaning & work is what I need to do. I want Xanax and pain killers, I feel too much, it's too much. how to relax, when everything in me says I don't have time to relax. I can't relax with all the clutter and germs. Years worth.. this big stupid family house with years worth of crap, dad died, mom & sis moved away... and years & years, I still can't get it together.

I think I'm in this mess because I relaxed too much, I indulged in the depression and stared at the wall in bed for months. if I weren't so lazy, we'd not have this problem, the kids would behave, not have legal problems in 2 different counties. my beautiful little daughter was on heroin & I didn't know, now they're threatening 3 years in prison cuz she's tested positive for pot, she's only 19 & the 1 night at the prison after the arrest was traumatic enough for her. they got mad at her for not stopping crying, screw this mean fukt up world.
I am driving her all over the place for drug testing, probation meetings, therapy, pdoc, public defender, court dates, finding an outpatient rehab - they won't allow her to take her klonopin & pdoc is furious but has no power. pdoc has watched my little girl hospitalized twice since age 14. it's a genuine major anxiety disorder, rehabs don't care, if you need a rehab you're treated like a criminal, and criminals are treated like a piece of trash using up the tax dollars. And I'm powerless, and pdoc is powerless.

all the crying what's it for? Because the moon is lonely? What on earth am I to do to help her? I have no power here. why'd he put me here with no power what's the point. the sweet sun, the baby boy shining in ignorant bliss of the death that waits for us all.

the crying spells, she said they're not panic attacks like I thought - it's something else... but she had to be so enigmatic... she hadn't let me know my bp dx yet. I don't understand still, but it makes a little sense, I don't want to accept it. I'm partly sobbing right now because I think I know what she meant... it's true the dx I don't want. no one even knows what it is, why do I have to have it. I still am not sure I believe her dx.

then there's my son, off the meth thank god, but 18 now with a warrant for not going to court. won't quit the pot. even knowing what's at stake for sister. but then she wouldn't quit the pot when he needed her support.

all the horrible memories how do get them to stop playing in my head. can't change it, it's done & time keeps racing forward.

no he wasn't supportive or there for me, didn't answer my call. people just run & hide, they don't know what to do. this is when I usually break up with him, maybe it'll stick this time. I need it to end, everything has to change.

cleaned so much and made many bags, finished at the laundrymat... son yelled at me for the bleach smell in the kitchen. he's always yelling at me. I don't like the bleach either but it had to happen. the nasty germs have to stop, the cat keeps peeing on my coffee maker & cookbooks has to stop. I was sad to throw out my favorite cookbooks from my mom, but I did it, it's done, it had to be done. I once wanted to go to cooking school in France, took 4 years of French and never did anything with it.. beautiful dreams, all gone.

youngest with my mom across the country, I got an independent study packet for him so school can still get funding. I'm scanning & emailing his homework to him & he is doing a lot online. he's having a good time. told school I'm going through some stuff & extended his trip. they said it's ok & if I need to extend it more, they will just adjust the dates on the form... so maybe they all know I'm crazy... they know about my older 2 from when they were there & it was hell. So I'm paranoid, do they all know I'm crazy. that makes me so sad. I don't want anyone to know. they must all know.

why'd I even tell the bf the dx... he's not cut out for this and it's just a farce wasting both of ours time. it's like a business relationship, where I do his accounting for his biz & he does my yard work & brought me free firewood. Then we lay in my bed one night a week like strangers barely touching and I listen to him snore.

such hard work the laundry and the bagging & the bleaching the nasty stuff & the trash & the donations, and I barely made a dent in it. I need to get it done, and need to get my work done, and it's all falling in on me, no way out, but I have to get out. it's too much, way too much. there's no relief in sight