I've never really stopped to think about where in my body I feel it. I think it has always felt like it sits in the centre of me. It's such a part of my identity and it feels like that's all that I am, right at my very core. I read your question earlier this evening and since then I've noticed that it often hits me in sudden unexpected waves, even when I'm otherwise okay. I feel it in my chest, sometimes just on the left side, and also in my head. It felts like a relentless pressure. It's like one great big bundle of loneliness and so much sadness.

There was something on TV earlier this evening which showed a child who is very good at something my therapist is good at, and it hit me then. It doesn't really have words that go with it at the time, it's just a feeling. If I had to put it into words, it's the if I was good enough maybe she would love me feeling. It also hits me when I think about Christmas and the way that I can't reach out to this one important person at a time when people tend to be surrounded by those they love. It’s so impossibly hard to know that I just don’t get that person, there isn’t anyone for me.