This thread is so sad

I don't have a full-on mother void. I had two mothers, and fortunately for me one was fantastic. She's now dead and my heart is shredded.

The other is the one who gives me my own experience of that mother void. I love her so I feel incredibly guilty even typing these words. But there the void is, and there's no getting away from it. I get it worst after a disconnected conversation with her (usually on the phone, as we live in different countries now). I'll start to not feel quite real. The edges between me as an individual and the world blur and I feel like an abstracted piece of matter floating around in the world, who by an unfortunate stroke of luck, has become conscious. I disconnect a bit from my own physical self. I absolutely cannot identify with other people in that zone - people who exist as defined selves, with real relationships with others, valid human beings. I 'see' my mother and her husband and my brother is their family unit, and wish I just never existed. I never lived with them, so I was always separate, and these years flash through my head like a taunt. As if I was so stupid to not feel that pain then. I suppose maybe I did, but dissociated from it as a kid.

It is effing horrendous when it happens. It trips my switch for thinking about suicide (I have made a promise to myself I will never do it, but I wish I could stop focusing on it as the best option, in those moments) because there is no solid course of action to take that will guarantee a relief from it.