While it is true that at times I have hated my mother, really what I feel more often is a blankness, just a void. It isn't even necessarily painful except that it is frozen. I tend to suspect that underneath, and this is true for anger as well, there is a lot of hurt and sadness that I can't let myself go enough to feel. The sadness would lead to a healthy mourning of my loss so at some point I should be prepared to let it happen. But since a lot of these feelings have not been all that insistent in recent years, perhaps there is a healing taking place that doesn't mean I have to directly confront it.