It truly is "crazy" for my highest aspirational goal to be suicide. I was just thinking about all of the things I have done in 16 months that are NOT crazy, but me trying to run away from crazy as fast as possible. I have come a long way in many respects, just not able to overcome this particular issue.

I already have a big goal for 2014 - the triathlon. I think that program will help, it will be a small group of men and women who spend a lot of time together training towards the same goal. I also want to get back to the boxing gym and work with that trainer. Finally, in the second half of 2014 I want to take tennis lessons, I did enjoy that what little I was exposed to it in high school gym class.

But in think I need to set a professional goal of graduate school in late 2014 or in 2015. That would give me a real goal to work towards, as well as occupy my mind.

Finally on the home front, I had been in the process of doing home improvement projects, I need to get back to those. I almost never physically sit around in depression, I have a lot of energy. But mentally this is what I am doing - I have emotionally taken to my bed, locked the door, turned out the lights and sobbed myself into a restless sleep at best. I have to stop that - it is pretty pathetic to think buying the means of self destruction at a sporting goods store is my highest goal.

I should be better than that.