Haven't been here in a very long time. I am Bipolar II, Major Depression...in a very big way.

I went home for two weeks...two day drive each way. Going home is always stressful for me, but it has been several years. So, stupid here tried to prepare psych-wise...positive thinking. Suffice it to say that I have vowed to never return unless someone there is maimed (and it is deemed that I need to be there) or someone dies...mother, sister or son.

I knew it would be stressful, but I came home feeling, as I put to my psychologist of seven years, as though I have been stomped on and pushed off the cliff into the darkness again. Then the day after I arrive home I had a neurosurgery appt, results of my MRI. i am told that my cervical spine is worse than I expected and that some time in 2014 I will probably have to have it completely fused...I have lots of titanium in my body already. My C3 thru C7 are pressing into my spinal cord. Now that isn't the final kick.

That day was a grandmother duty day for me with my disabled grandson. When my daughter arrived home from work we exchanged pleasantries. Then I proceeded to inform her of the possibility that I may need major surgery in 2014.

Sooooo like my daughter...43 yrs...her response was, "Well, I guess we better call (sister) and (son) to find out when they can come to take care of you." Understand that my younger daughter lives in NYS, son in FL. Nothing about what was wrong, etc. I have never been a complainer and always wait until it is late to see a doctor.

So on Friday, a duty day, I did not say a word to anyone. After all, I did t even need to be there, but no one told me my son in law and daughter were home. I just sat in silence messing with my iPad.

Yesterday was my 65th birthday. I told my son in law by phone on Friday morning that I wanted to ignore my birthday. I slept most of yesterday.

Guilt keeps me from going into the hospital. Ridiculous guilt, misplaced guilt. Last time my daughter called everyone to tell them...it was awful. She was pissed because it took all day to get insurance and hospital arranged; I lived in a small city and the hospital is two hours away. My daughter gave me the third degree the entire drive...like I needed to hear how inconvenienced she was that day....twelve hours total to arrange everything and make the drive. Of course, not being there the following days for grandmother duty was just that much more inconvenience, just as this trip home was.

I stopped taking my psych meds last Monday...all if them. Yes, I know it is a very, very bad thing for me to do and at some point I will become suicidal...I can still think rationally today. But, without them, and until then, I feel nothing. It feels good to feel nothing. Not sad. Not happy. Not neutral. Just nothing.

Despite what was said or what was a subtlety it was all bad. See my mother doesn't approve of my appearance, and my son is just a very unpleasant person. As to my appearance...I stopped wearing makeup 10 years ago..."not taking care of yourself, you stopped wearing makeup years ago."

I could go on and on and on, but I won't bore with details. I've rambled long enough. I vowed honesty with my doc after my last hospital visit, so Wednesday I will tell him of my non-med decision, you can only imagine how that will go over.