I have not been formally diagnosed with this disorder. However, in my research I have found similarities in the symptoms described and my 'personality'. I write 'personality' in quotations because I have no grip on a definite self or definitive values. I am ever so flexible in qualities of self, as well as being a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group. I can attain dominance in any clique. I lack emotion towards others. Other people seem to be figures, or objects. I generally do not care for others. I'm quite superficially nice as keeping others around can benefit me. Just today the annoying girl at work gave me a ride home because my car broke down. Had I been straight up with her, I would not have benefited in any way. My world revolves around attaining dominance and sex. Productivity often interferes with maintaining personal relationships. I have left immediate family and moved with distant relatives halfway across the country. If they didn't keep in contact with me, I would have no problem not talking to them for a lengthy period of time. I'm at the end of my chain here, with introspection and life choices and have nowhere else to go. I just don't fit in anywhere and have to blend in. I've had murderous thoughts, and suicidal ideation. I had the typical ASPD conduct disorder when I was very young. I've harmed my own dog out of curiosity. I've set my house on fire before, and had childhood counseling. I feel like a success story for ASPD considering my conduct has all but improved and I strive for long-term goals. I can't stick with a damn thing though and that's my biggest hurdle. I feel empty with nowhere else to go and hopefully I can find some hope here.

I've gotten a dx from a pdoc of bipolar disorder, but I think I manipulated and may have over-exaggerated the symptoms to get that diagnosis. I haven't told anyone so I don't think it was for attention. I'm tired of wearing a 'mask'. Thanks for reading, and perhaps for replying.

-Lost and confused