OE, yes, I will watch those when I have a chance -- which never works out well, it's usually in bed, and I fall asleep -- you would be amazed how many times I see parts of a video.

I don't know about my family -- I don't really know. Maybe they would be ok about it, maybe not. I freely admit, I am hypersensitive about they way they act towards me -- maybe it's some paranoia from my father. I just have always been the "black sheep" of the family in their eyes, the one who didn't have the drive or ambition they had, and so didn't go as far in life as they wanted me to. Part of it was depression, part rebellion, part the feeling of "I have no future, I can die at any time, I will never live to be ___ years old" -- which is a symptom of PTSD per the DSM, I believe.

I don't know, I myself feel less successful than I should be -- but, it's such a mixed message. Because, again, I grew up learning how to present a facade to the world, it was SOP in the household -- "perfect family" to the outside world, I even had to act like I loved and respected him when people, his people, were around (we weren't allowed to have "people" except for him, what a treat).

Well, at times I feel less successful. I make the lowest income in my family, I have the least assets. But, it's also kind of an artificial standard, they all are very successful in their careers and lives. So, my success, which is pretty good by objective standards, just doesn't measure up to them. I'm a Chevrolet in a Cadillac family, that's all. But, I keep telling myself, there is nothing wrong with a Chevrolet, they get the job done.

But, the biggest thing, I guess, is MY resentment of them, and how they treat me. Because, I sacrificed SO MUCH for my mother, and really for them, too. I kept this nutball family together, I kept my mother alive, I kept him at bay until he died of cancer. And, I did it by sacrificing my own life -- few relationships, never moved out (sad, eh?), didn't pursue career goals that conflicted with my ability to be my mother's guardian and protector. I even passed up on a law school admission because I feared it would conflict, even though it was a local school. I told myself it was about the cost, but it was really about fear.

So, I am now 48 and the black sheep who doesn't measure up. And, when this all hit the fan last year, there was a LOT of behind my back discussion about "what is wrong with Johnny?" The term "he is crazy" or "he must be mentally ill or on drugs" even came up a few times. And, by some miracle, it blew over -- the group conclusion, I found out, was that I was having a "midlife crisis" -- I was so on board with that, if they thought my problems stemmed from a desire to date a 22 year old blond and drive a red sports car that was a let better than "oh, he was sent to the psych ward." At least it saved some face.

And yet, I am making them sound like ogres. And, it's not NEARLY so black and white. There are tensions, conflicts, jealousies, but every family has those. However, there is love there, too. I am just AFRAID OF THE RISK. If I risked it, it might turn out fine, they might be like, "well, just take care of yourself". Or, they might turn on me. I don't know. And, I'm afraid of gambling on a good outcome.

So, the pressure of keeping a cover up is really getting to me. And, it takes a LOT of hard work. And lies, a lot of lies, and I feel really guilty about that. I was NEVER a liar before this. Now, I do it all the time. There is a line from a Dixie Chicks song "You call it lies, I just call it getting by" - and that is how I feel about it. But, I'm still not proud of lying all the time. "Where were you?
- "Had to work late" (I was actually at an appointment with my therapist). Why are you so moody? "Stress at work, my boss is riding me" (couldn't be further from the truth, he is very low stress and very, very kind).

So yes, I have "fallen". And yes, I feel "broken", or more precisely, "dehumanized" - like I am no longer entitled to be a member of "civil society" And I know that is all not really true, intellectually. I am sure a LOT of people throughout human history have done things far, far worse than attending a psychiatric day program (like kill people, commit genocides, etc).

So, I need to reboot my attitudes about this as much as I need to reboot my life.