just back from T. feel completely wrung out. actually gave her a copy of my first post on this thread. actually it was a bit longer. but only a bit. didnt think i could. even took me quite a while a lot of the session to do it. then after i just could do nothing but stare at the floor and zone out. got that tune 'half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle, mix them up and make them nice, pop goes the weasle' running through my head and had to keep dragging myself back cos she was asking me stuff.
then the tears just started coming and i couldnt stop them so i ended up sitting there crying for a second, getting them to stop and instantly crying again for another second. that went on for the rest of the session. cant believe i actually told her i might be overreacting cos its a bad time of the month. i NEVER talk about stuff like that with people i dont know. not unless they bring it up at least. and even not really then. i might say 'me too' or 'i know' but thats it. god. im so embarassed and mortified. i was so so stupid. i cant even think of what she must think of me.
i asked her to keep the paper cos i couldnt stand the thought of focusing on it long enough to take it back from her and put it in my pocket.
she wants to see me again on monday and says if im still as upset she might want to see me again next wednesday too. god she must think im such a freak.
she was saying it was the beginning of a process and i was brave for starting but i cant see how. i just cant see it being anything but the end of the process. there is nowhere else to go from here. now i just have to create my very own one member leper colony so only i can only hurt myself and no one else has to see me. yet there must be something in me that made me even go this evening. and i ll go back on monday. after that... i really dont know. but i ll try one more session at least out of curiosity to see if she knows something i dont.
she said some nice things and i just felt like mud. when i said i wished she wouldnt say things like that she just repeated them stronger and i felt even worse. like im cheating and accepting praise where its not due. though its confusing too cos she knows whats in the post and she still says it. she knows what i deserve and still says nice things?
maybe on monday she ll have had time to take in what i wrote and will have come to her senses and backed off and wont want to see me again. that would kill whatever is left inside me but at the same time it wont surprise me in the slightest. and at least it ll be in keeping with how the world works.
wow im tired. i dont know what im thinking.
thank you everyone so much for all your support. i just wanted to write this to let you all know i did show her the post. so thanks.
biiv