An update for those who might be interested or struggling with a similar issue.

Im forgetting how bad I was last month. I feel so great in between that it is easy to forget that I ever felt so incredibly terrible. I cant even imagine being suicidal right now! Life is easy, I have been able to fill my days with many things without issue.

When I am stable like this I have no problem taking the meds. I dont know if it is what is causing my mental slowness. A lot of things I have read lately seem to suggest that it is just a symptom of depression, and when I am stable I do not feel the same way. I am definitely dumber than I was years back but I think struggling with mental illness to the extent I have regardless of meds would have messed with my brain a bit.

So this month when I start to feel off, the AP's are going up straight away. I have the ok to up them to a few times more than my current dose (I need very little when stable) and I have 2.5mg tablets of Ativan to take as needed. I just need to remember to take them and not go all anti-meds again! When I wrote this thread I was definitely in depression but did not realise. I need to be more honest about my moods, even if I feel just a little crappy I need to recognise it and use coping stratagies accordingly.

Thankyou all for your help on this thread. I find it has been helpful for me, when I write a thread I write differently to how I write in my journal so it is good for me to observe myself.