you just need to learn how to be yourself, i really don't see anything bad about you, especially at your age i think alot of us went through the same type of thoughts and actions, whether they would admit it or not. you certainly seem to have good articulation on this matter and it is good you can put it in words so if you wanted to talk to a doc or T you've already got a head start. i am not sure you would even need meds. I grew up thinking alot like you, I'm 52 now so i can say in my case i came out stronger and healthier emotionally. I wish yu luck!!