Had not checked in or been around in a while, but wanted to say I'm okay.

We are looking into buying a different house and moving. Sold our business. Tired of this town. Just wanting a fresh start. It is depressing here. It kind of sucks because we have our house so nice, and I'm sure when we sell we will take a hit, but I don't care anymore.

Last summer, I went through a period where I was hardly eating. This has been a recurring thing in my life during high stress times. It is less about being thin than being in control. I am never the right weight, anyway. I am either overweight, or skinny. Due to being fairly tall and large framed, I am able to carry extra weight, as well as disguise thinness by wearing heavier clothes. I don't particularly care to look thin, even I know it's not attractive looking. When I'm fat or skinny, I avoid mirrors. One thing about thinness I like is the FEEL of my bones. My collarbone, my ribs, my hipbones. I like how they feel hard and how when I'm thin, my skin seems tight across them. I like when I lie down, and this sounds really gross and I'll probably never admit it again, but I like the way my stomach is sunken in, with my hips and ribs sticking out.

I don't lose much weight anymore, even when I eat very little. My metabolism is probably messed up, and really, I'm not supposed to be small, thin, and delicate. I'm big. I have big feet. I'm tall. I have wide hips and big boobs. I'm built to be a farmer's wife, to take care of babies and cook big meals, and help fix fence and work cattle. I'm not supposed to be a ballerina, and I never will be.

I think one thing I get off on, that makes me feel powerful and controlled when I restrict my eating, is trying to ignore my hunger pangs. I am terribly hungry when I restrict my eating. I avoid the sight and smell of food. I hate when my stomach growls to where you can hear it. My husband always yells at me to eat then. But when I am in that mindset, I secretly love my hunger, even though it hurts. I feel sharp, intense, and alive. To be starving but able to ignore it and act like everything is fine, is somehow rewarding. I feel strong, and like I have a secret no one knows. It's weird and I don't understand it, but it always comes to that.

I'm doing SO much better the last couple months, really, I am. It's hard to eat normally, I feel afraid and like something bad will happen, but the last few months, I've ate fairly normally. I can think better. I feel better when I eat meat, milk, and vegetables. I don't hurt as much. One thing I've learned is, if I start feeling hungry, to not go too long, because if I do, it seems to make me want to stop eating.

Be well! I hope all of you are well. Much love and (((((((hugs))))))