Ok everyone that's on here regularly that follows my story of late, knows of my battle with doubt and uncertainty with a certain online gaming girl. I've thought about this a lot and a lot of things have happened since my last post that have given more than enough reason to feel confident in the direction of this relationship but yet, I still question and wonder and doubt.

So I've thought about this and wondered, why is it that I, or anyone in the same boat, can have every reason to believe something but still not feel certain? How is it that against all odds, that are in my favor, I can actually feel all the feelings that tell me it will end, be over or never even was real in the first place, and even better how do I change that?

So I've thought about how this blobby grey thing bouncing around in my skull works, what directs it's thinking and how does it do that? How do I end up from one place where I am all giddy and hopeful about what i have with this girl and then next moment I'm wondering wtf is going on at all?

I've come to one conclusion and this may seem rather simplistic but at it's core I believe it is pretty accurate. In every thought process, the brain is like a computer and it is constantly making analyses. At the base of an analysis, what is ther? questions and answers. Questions as simple as, for example, when you're hungry, "what does this feeling in the pit of my stomach mean?" Answer, "I'm hungry" Well that happens in everything that we do but all of this happens at the speed faster than our computers that we use everyday so usually we miss the question/answer firing back and forth and all the processing and go right to the summary. We just never notice it.

So what about faulty thinking like I have? I have more examples than I can even begin to write about so I'll keep this as concise as possible without making it confusing. First example: I know that in spite of anything she's said to confirm that she is "into" me, when she is absent, I have doubts, I wonder, fear and worry. So I have to ask myself, what is it that I'm asking myself to cause this? Open ended questions without answers. Things like "wonder how many other guys she's talking to" Yeah seriously. What does that do to me? first it assumes that she's talking to numerous other guys, and that's a first step to stressing me out, needless to say. Second, it frames it in a way in my mind that makes it as though these "imaginary" guys she's talking to, she talks to the same as she does me. Another stressor because that would make our conversations meaningless. So is there any productive value to this thinking? no. It serves no purpose but to send my thoughts spiralling out of control. Another thing is this. I over analyze. I think too much on tiny miniscule details that may or may not mean something. sometimes she takes a while to respond to my chat messages. Yes, you can guess, my questions shoot right to "who else is she talking to?" "is he.." (note the assumption of another guy) "more important than me?" You can see where these answers lead me to. Even more faulty thinking and stress, and spiralling out of control.

I need to stop this but what to do?

Change. Change my thinking.. But how? Consciously find a way to make the choice to change my questions based on better assumptions and/or god forbid, reality! When she is gone, instead of wondering how many guys she's talking to, or whether she's thinking of me, change the question to "how do I know that she likely does think of me throughout her day?" The answer being, well every day for more than a couple of months we've met up, talked, played games and literally spent hours together. That's not someone that doesn't think of me too often right? She chooses to talk and play games with me often and consistently and pretty much to the exclusion of others when we do. I can probably guess she is thinking of me at least some of the time. Wow. Yeah. feel better already just typing that out. Next I ask, what does she do or say, that tells me I am on her mind often? I can't count how many times I'd orignally asked her "did ya miss me?" kind of partially joking, but she always said "yes" and furthermore lately or at least very recently she's come out and said so more than once. How can you miss someone if you're not thinking of them?

Anyway this is the line of thinking I'm on right now. Many other questions will arise that need to be tweaked and updated in my overly-bugged software.

Idk if this helps but it helped me by getting it out.

thanks for listening,
~S4