Honestly...I am a very competitive person, and I hate losing. That is one of my weak points I'm trying to change.

Right now, I just feel like a failure. I know, that I should be lucky, i have a loving family, I have all four limbs, I'm healthy. And I need to be grateful. But please, allow me to vent.

I can't afford to go to uni overseas, my parents suck, they don't even bother talking to me about my future, and just assume i'll be going to the local uni, which, by the way, doesn't even offer the course I'm interested in, and they just simply ask me to choose another one. Ok fine. I badly want to go overseas though, but I know that my parents are trying very hard, and they don't want me to go because it's too far and they'll be worried, so I guess I'm stuck here in my local town like, forever.

I just finished A lvls so now I'm waiting for the result, but these two years of A levels have been a hell of a journey. This had caused me to fail a lot even though I was trying my best. I was emotionally sick throughout because of roller coaster emotions due to my ex, which, by the way, is super smart and found someone else and is going to uni together overseas. You can imagine how I feel about that. Just jealousy and pain. Oh, I am so damaged.

And that's not all, because of what I've mentioned above, i can't stop crying everyday and I keep feeling depressed. I don't know what I can do anymore in life, and just thinking about what my A lvl results that will be awfulI hate everything and everyone. I just feel so powerless for my future, and I can't stop, it keeps kicking me in the face. I can't do this. I give up. My dreams are just crushed again and again and nobody is able to help. It hurts so much to feel so powerless and I can't do anything about it.

I'd really like an outlet for my feelings, i used to join the track and field and dancing in school (which was all free extra curricular activities and a great outlet), but now all that is over, and I'd love to have a hobby like learning how to play the piano. But who can afford piano lessons, eh?

FML. Just wanna sleep and somehow die of natural causes.