I understand how you feel, stiven. Though I am a year younger than you, I am also a virgin and I haven't ever really been able to move towards a relationship that meets my emotional needs. And I get those physical urges just like any other human being. I have a strong fear of impulsive actions due to my own depressive symptoms, so I never did anything. I couldn't handle parties, clubs, making friends, or any questionable or obviously destructive activity. And while I haven't been hurt by those experiences, like you, I feel I haven't been able to grow.

I've been depressed for around 21 years now and it hurts. I find myself counting the days, not because I want to, but because it's hard not to look back and see what has already been lost. It makes the future that much more hopeless when so much time has already been lost and an unknown amount of time is still to come.

And it gets harder when I look at relationships and feel that twinge of jealousy and the strong feeling that I will never ever have that, the good or the bad. Or, when I look at a woman I find beautiful or interesting, I don't have the drive to make any conversation. I feel like my presence would be in the way and only bring more trouble.

I think it is also exacerbated by the fact that when I was very young, my largest dream was always the "wife and kids" dream. Since I've become older, I've lost all of that. I still have the yearning for the emotional connection with another, but I see it as an impossibility. I'm not good enough or worth enough for it. After all, I am not smart. I am not handsome, confident, talented, and I don't even have the drive or the emotional stability to function well in day to day life. I know I'm not a "catch."