hi everyone,

first of all, my native language isn`t english, i`m a dutchman. so pleasy excuse any silly mistakes i might make... ecspecially becauce my mind is rather clogged at this very moment...

this is a bit of a copy paste from my introduction thread, but it is a ready post as it was, and i believe this thread would be more correct to get my story out...

so, ill begin,

i`m a 33 year old male, as said, from the netherlands, i recently came to the conclusion i might not be able to sort out my isseus on my own.

i have a rather troublesome childhood, with abusive parents, deu to alcohol addiction they have, and a agressive father who used exxesive violence.... whatever was at hand at the time things exploded...
this has been the case as long a i can rember. when i grew older and builded a life for myself this continued to influence my life, even when i didnt wanted it... they came at my door with theire isseus, or the poluice brought them at my place to let me deal with them after they got booked for things again...

in the meantime i was building my own family, met a fantastic wife, who even was able to deal with all those things, and supported me every way she could...
we got married, wich is now 6 years ago. and we have 4 kids together...

being a father was very difficult for me, and fears i had, for things i couldnt even grasp, grew... i knew it had to do with my childhood, and my role as a father...
but i never really realized what it did to me... i always tought i was able to deal with things...

life went on, and things just rolled as they always have been until last year, almost exactly a year ago...

i got a phonecall from my sister telling me i neede to go to the hospital to see my mom, wich was badly hurt...

needless to say, the situation was even worse then i could imagen, mom was i a bad coma, also deu to the fact she was a heavy drinker, she was severly beaten up...as i found out that my dad had something to do with this...
his explanation was that they where both drunk and she fell down the stairs...

his reaction to dont call a ambulance didnt do anything good either... and we wherent convinved things happend as they are said by dad..

long story short.. he kept denying, got himself into custody, and went to jail.
sadly, in court he kept denying to rember anything, even the stuff he did to us in the past.. wich really felt as betrayal to me at that point....
even y mom stated officially she was in this condition before all this happend, trying to get him free....
in the end he got luck by getting just 1 year detention, wich he already did in prearrest, and mandatory hospitalisation...

all good and whel, i was done with them... and wanted to go on... and didnt really wanted to have anything to do with them.... i wanted to focus on my family, wich i started to realize, suffered also..

what i really didnt notice was what this all did to my family, and how i let that happen... i got mentally closed, and behaved like a roommate... i felt the support, but i dint give anything back,.... i simply wasnt able to see or hear anything what indicated things went wrong...

2months ago... my wife urged me to seek help, and deu to the decision i made about my parents, and the costant stress i was feeling without nowing where it came from, finally made me see the need to do so...

in the meantime i was waiting to go to my first appointment with my psycholigist, she stated she wanted a divorce...

i was shocked... my life was crumbling underneath me...

i totally went mental... but only from the inside... from the outside i completely blocked, and when rational...

in the meantime i discover she alread met someone at work, by whom she could tell her stories, and her doubts...
i still think this fact, made her decise her doubts should be over, since she notived she could have feelings for someone else...

i found out about this by stumbling upon a rather long email conversation, when i went looking for the netflix account she opened... i was shocked by this find... but stuff made sence... her acting differntly the monet she told me she wanted a divorce. and her fear for me being around her cellphone...

i just couldnt resist checking the email every time she had to fill in a take a extra shift.. to find out what her plans where really...

and asked her to be honest, and begged her to tell me to whatever she wanted to do... at least tell me... i felt guilty for not trusting her anymore...
her reasons where rather difficult for me to understand when i asked for it...
she didnt think this had anything to do with her wanting to get a divorce, but i cant shake the idea that`s not treu..

at this time i told her about me reading her email, she found software on her laptop i installed ages ago, wih made her think i actually broke into her account... but the treu fact is is was searching for somthing totally different, but found out stuff i didnt wanted to see...

i kept checking this email every now and then, seeking for confirmation about what was happening..

now 7 weeks or so since she told me about the divorce. she found this software and confronted me with it... i was happy to finnaly get rid of my nasty secret, told her all about what ive did... and she got, not really a suprise, really mad...
things got worse when she told her coworker... he apperently didnt wanted to deal with me, and was worried about me being a ****, and told her it was over... or at least, that is was has been told to me..

i really think there is still somthing to fight for.. i still have damn strong feelings for my wife. and are really worried about the kids if this went on like this...

still, she is blaming me for everything... the marriage, the emailprivacy thing, and eventually her coworker breaking up...

she wanted me to leave the house, and i could do so, for a few days at least.. and that is where i am at this moment..

i wish i knew how to start over... start talking, instead of blaming each other...
i want this at least for my kids, they dont deserve a fighting mom and dad over stuff we both can work on... for the worst or for the best...

even if divorce is inevitable, i want to be able to talk about it the good way... it has been 16 years of relationship, i just cant, want, let it go the drain like this....

any advice on my next steps are more than welcome.... i`m quite stuck atm..

gr.
Mark