I am a gambling addict and a ****ing idiot. Over the last few years I have continued gambling even though it has cost me everything and ****ed up my life. I am so stupid it is unreal. The last couple of weeks have been weird, I am at uni, for the second time. First time around I gambled all my loans away and had to drop out, I promised myself I would never do that again. About three weeks back I gambled my way down to my last few quid but got lucky and ended up about level. Since then gambling has lost its edge, the rush I got from betting it all, amazing. I had to do it again. It didn't work out. I've lost it all. What am I doing to myself? What have I done to my life? I am an embarrassment, an idiot and I have bet my life and lost.

I quit gambling for about a year before but I got so depressed I had to edge back to it. Somebody please tell me there is something that can match the buzz of gambling. I want a life. I want a normal, average, boring life instead of this pointless existence. I feel trapped, isolated and desperate.

I am still feeling pretty raw, so I'll calm down soon I hope. I am trying to make an appointment with a counsellor, and I want this to be the last day I gambled.

I'm heading back home in a few days but I can't face telling my family I've let them all down again, I don't want to ruin their Christmas, or maybe that's my way of being a noble coward.

This has to stop.