Hello everybody

Looking for a little advice, as I'm feeling rather scared and overwhelmed at the minute. This may be a little long, so I apologise in advance.

I'm a student at a top music school in the UK, studying performance (I won't say which school or instrument, for confidentiality). I think (although I have a tendency to question myself) that my relationship with my teacher s rather destructive. I think he has prejudices against people with mental health difficulties. In my school, we each have a designated "Personal Learning Plan" which is shared with your heads of department, principle study tutor etc etc, so my teacher is perfectly aware of the extent of my problems, and their possible implications (bi-polar, OCD, chronic fatigue). In my first year (when he wasn't my principle study tutor (but he is head of department) he was taking a class which I had to attend. I'd been going through a serious depression at the time, but thought it best to try and get up and perform. It seemed like a good challenge. As I started to play, my mind went blank and I couldn't read the notes/my fingers wouldn't work. I couldn't help but crying a bit (trying not to, just silently) and after failing to try and carry on, I had to stop and looked at my teacher. Playing badly in class is a huge sign of personal weakness at music school, and is enough to make friends and teachers talk badly about you as a person as well as a musician. My teacher just looked at me and said "If you don't finish that piece now, or leave this room, you have no place being a musician and you don't deserve to be at this college. I want you to stand there and cry in front of everybody, so they can see what you're like, then I want you to play the piece again, but WELL this time." Needless to say, I was humiliated, but I did it nonetheless. In my second year, he became my principle study teacher, so I was required to have 1-1 lessons with him. Just a few of the things he said in the last academic year included:

"I can't teach you because you run on a different wave-length to others"

"I don't know how to teach you"

"You're different to other people"

(in front of the class) "This should be good, because she's mental"

"I can't put you on that gig, because I need someone who's reliable, and we both don't know how your head's going to be ticking on the day"

Another incident was when I hadn't made it out of the house in over a week, due to a flare up of chronic fatigue and subsequent depression. I'd called in ill earlier that day, but decided to try and make it to class in the afternoon, as I was feeling a little better. Afterwards, I was feeling happy for the first time in a while and decided to stay for a drink with friends at the college cafe. The very next day I get an angry email from the head of my course calling me in for an interview, saying I was "faking or exaggerating my illness" as my teacher had written him an email saying he thought I might have been doing just that, as I'd stayed behind after class with friends. Not partying, just staying for a drink. As I said before, my teacher knows full well the extent and implications of my problems, yet he still went ahead and did this. It made me even more reclusive, and I nigh-on gave up on trying to go out when I was feeling bad.

He ignores me, then praises me profusely (albeit once or twice a year) then goes back to insulting me, segregating me and *****ing about me to other students.

My instrument is part of a very tight-knit group, there aren't a lot of us, so the fact that my teacher acts like this towards me (and is one of the top players in the world) very strongly hampers my chances of ever getting good performance opportunities.

after my (somewhat disastrous, due to destroyed confidence) final recital last year (which I still passed with a decent mark), he came up to me and said "Ah well, it was always going to be a gamble as to weather your head was working on the day."

I hate everything he's done, and yet I would still be ridiculously overjoyed if he praised me. It just seems a bit messed up. Then again, he would just say I'm mental, and overreacting.