Or at least commute my sentence. I have suffered enough, I'm sick of this. When I sit around all day, every day, regretting that I didn't kill myself, and thinking about doing it again, I think it's time to get a grip on this situation once and for all.

The very SECOND I heard a diagnosis (bipolar II at the time, now PTSD) and the words "Psychiatric Hospital" I literally thought it was a death sentence -- that there was NO WAY I could possibly have any kind of worthwhile life after that was pronounced upon me. I really did think my life was over -- career, family, finances, you name it -- because I thought no one would forgive me and no one would want to even associate me. I thought I would be shunned and probably my family would just want me gone.

Maybe I overreacted? OK, yes, I overreacted. Big time. None of this is easy, but I do sense the possibility that I might actually be able to have a meaningful life despite these events.

So, it is an internal struggle -- do I deserve to have a life? Or, are my crimes so unforgivable that I do not? That was the entire premise of my last thread.

Right now, I really want to vote "YES" -- that I deserve to have a life, that I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't. I have been horrifically abused in my life, and the results of that have scarred me, but I think it has made me sensitive and empathetic to other people who suffer. I know I can hold my head high about one thing -- I have NEVER hurt others the way I was hurt, and I never would. I try to be as good to people as I possibly can.

I want to be able to believe I can have a future, other than a nightmare spiral into a miserable death. I have all of the tools to make that happen, except for ... I guess faith is a good word, as good as any, the faith that it CAN happen.

So, how do I get that -- how do I get back to a place where I feel like I deserve a little better than life has handed me?