((Mowtown)),

It is good to hear that you have turned the corner a little bit and you are allowing yourself to consider "worth" instead of feeding into the "unworthiness that PTSD presents in it's various crippling symptoms".

You say often: " So, it is an internal struggle -- do I deserve to have a life? Or, are my crimes so unforgivable that I do not? That was the entire premise of my last thread. "

You often seem to send out an ongoing message that you are some kind of unworthy criminal. Sometimes this strong "emotion" and deep internal sense of "extreme failure which you internalize is a crime", is not a truth, it is often an untruth that happens when someone struggles with PTSD however.

While I didn't see myself as a criminal, I did harbor a tremendous sense of guilt and inadequacy and pain that I felt no one else would understand or accept even and that I would be too much of a burden. And actually the link I provided in your other thread was helpful in how it described how so many people develop "shields" and what was happening with me is that with the trauma and loss and development of PTSD that I experienced crippled me so much that I could not maintain any consistent "shield" anymore.

When I broke and reached out for help and ended up being taken to a psych ward, in spite of my expressing complete vulnerability and begging for rest and grief counseling, I was actually misdiagnosed and did not receive any "positive or helpful or comforting" treatment, but instead that environment "further traumatized me".

Unfortunately Mowtown, it is not unusual for someone who is suffering from "trauma" who breaks down and enters a psych ward in desperation to be misdiagnosed and misunderstood. I was not going to learn that until years later when I finally found a therapist who treats PTSD patients and is aware of the lack of ability to identify the symptoms that has been taking place in many psych wards. I can look at my medical records and see all the red flags that I kept saying and how the psychiatrist just ignored them and misdiagnosed me in a way where the other staff treated me "coldly". Not only do I have to grieve the trauma, but also for being mistreated on top of that trauma. And that led to even my own family treating me badly as well. Often families can develop some dysfunctional shields unknowingly, so part of making sure you understand that better is to realize this is "their crimes and not yours", "their weaknesses and lack of understanding which means that they just do not know".

I do hope that you listen to that link because it will explain to you "why" people often respond poorly, and that can make it very hard on someone struggling who really needs genuine comforting and not the typical "just" or "well at least you have" comments that never validate whatever the "hurt is there resulting from whatever was lost".

You now say: "Right now, I really want to vote "YES" -- that I deserve to have a life, that I didn't do anything wrong. Because I didn't. I have been horrifically abused in my life, and the results of that have scarred me, but I think it has made me sensitive and empathetic to other people who suffer. I know I can hold my head high about one thing -- I have NEVER hurt others the way I was hurt, and I never would. I try to be as good to people as I possibly can."

This is a "gain" and you should print this and put it where you can read it when you have one of the bad days that do come along bringing out the other "wrong thinking patterns" that you have to work yourself away from.

Just reading up on PTSD and looking at the symptoms, and they are definitely strong, doesn't mean these symptoms have to be "life long", because you "can" learn to understand why they happen and how you can slowly learn to overcome the confusion that takes place with PTSD.

I will say that it is important to take the steps to build the right support system of people that can give you the comfort and validation you "do" deserve that can help you slowly heal and gain and learn how to repair and as you do that you can also become a person that actually has more "quality" then all those that go along with their "shields" that often only keep them from enriching themselves in this thing we call "life".

(((Encouraging Hugs to keep you moving forward))))
OE