So I've recently gotten out of an 8 year relationship (as recently as 2 months or so ago) we were together since we were 22, living together since we were 23, and she broke it off when we both turned 30 (on our 8 year anniversary no less). For the past month I've been rather heartbroken, I cried for about a full week (still do from time to time, randomly and suddenly, like some kind of emotional vomit). Lately I've been a bit more put together and trying to come to terms with a new and different future than the one I hoped for two months ago. Her reasons were simple and cliché enough, she needed to get out on her own, find herself, we were just two different people, wanting different things, 'it's not you it's me' etc. etc.

So the reason I bring this issue up here, and not in the relationship forum, is because while I've dealt (and am dealing) with the horrible feelings involving being dumped, I'm dealing with something a bit new with this one. I find I'm having trouble performing sexually with other people. You see, recently I've been trying to get back into what being single is like (you know, beyond the loneliness and feelings of dying alone) I thought maybe if I met someone, did something casual, sexual, not worry about relationships and just have fun, that I would take my mind off being dumped, maybe get a new sense of confidence in myself and join the single life with a new Teflon outer shell.

Anyway, so I tried a casual hookup, met someone, we got a drink, went to her place, tried getting into bed together, have sex, and while I did become erect (at least for a while) I couldn't really orgasm, and I found myself not as into the experience as I thought I would be. It was pleasurable enough, but I just wasn't getting into it, I felt 'off' somehow. I kind of got soft inside her, or at least couldn't stay fully hard, I just lost my sexual drive, I apologized to her for being unable to continue, and left that night.

A couple weeks later, my friends and I were out enjoying some drinks and having a good time. Towards the end of the night two of my friends (a married couple I have known for a few years, their around my age, a little older) invited me over to their place for a nightcap and to listen to some records. I agreed and hung out with them in their basement. As the night continued they revealed to me that they had an 'Open Relationship' and that they fancied me sexually. This was a surprise to me, but a pleasant one, as I found both of them to be very attractive people and close friends who I cared about and who care about me. So with that they asked if I would feel comfortable enough to join them in their bed for some sexual fun. I readily agreed as this was actually something of a fantasy of mine and I had fantasized about my female friend before in some of my masturbation sessions. So we went to their bedroom, got undressed and all got into bed together. I was excited, but also very nervous (I actually hadn't felt that kind of nervous excitement since my first time). As we began to all make out and rub each other I ran into a bit of a problem. This time my penis wasn't becoming erect at all, not even a little, it actually felt like it had even shrank a bit in on itself. I was really enjoying the making out, and the rubbing, and the situation, very much, but my body wasn't reacting the way I hoped and wanted it to. I found myself starting to panic a bit inside (which I know will only make not getting an erection worse, but I couldn't help it) I kept thinking "Nothings happening down there?! Why aren't I getting hard?! Oh god, they can tell I'm not getting hard!" I became anxious, I was trying very hard to calm down and relax (and my friends were VERY understanding, and patient, and kind about the whole thing). They tried to help me in any way they could, we tried taking a break, just lovingly kissing, me watching them, my male friend leaving the room a while, watching porn together, anything we could think of to relax me enough to not be so nervous. In the end, however, nothing they or I tried (over the course of a couple hours) got me to become erect. I stayed in their guest room and went home the next morning.

Upon getting home I found I had no problem at that point getting an erection by myself, and even getting an orgasm just fine. So it wasn't a physical issue I could find, everything was working properly, just not when I wanted it to. Please understand that while guys like to say "this never happens to me" it really has never happened to me till now. I never had a problem getting an erection when I was in my 8 year relationship, or anytime before that. Even my first time, having that same nervous energy and being anxious, I was still at that time able to become erect and perform. Once in a great while I've had issue having a full orgasm during sex, but it's never been to a degree where I lost my erection, or couldn't get an erection in the first place. These experiences since my breakup have kind of rattled my sexual core. They've caused me to question my ability to have sex with a new partner, and lead me to feel fear that I may not be able to perform sexually in future sexual encounters. I mean if I can't even get an erection living out an actual fantasy of mine, or maintain an erection during a casual sexual encounter, what are my chances getting and maintaining an erection when I get back into a committed relationship?

I'm hoping I can get some advice about what might be going on with me? I'm physically fit, I masturbate without a problem (even now), I see medical doctor regularly, and have even been to a therapist in the past. I've been depressed (especially after my break up), but not to an extreme scale. Is it because I'm still dealing with the loss of my long term relationship? Is it because of all the anxiousness and nervous energy I had going into the casual sexual encounters? Is it because I couldn't relax? Was it because the first incident was a complete stranger and the second was a couple? Or is it because of something else entirely that I'm not seeing? Is there anything I can do in the future to try and fix this if/when it happens again? Are there methods or techniques I can develop and use when I find myself faced with a loss of an erection or not getting an erection to start that will lead to me getting one back? I realize to a degree that this may only be a temporary situation, and that likely my abilities to perform sexually with a partner (or partners) will return at some point, but this is something I hope will never happen again and that I want to take steps to keep from happening again. Thanks for listening and for any advice you can give.