I suspected bipolar and went to the er after a couple of weeks of bad insomnia and severe dehydration. I was extremely unwell, but I'm the type that can't express thoughts or feelings to save their life, and so it built up inside until I harmed myself and was committed.

Whether or not I'm actually bipolar, I just wanted the professionals to validate my suffering and recognize that something is seriously wrong with me. I had previously managed to hide strong suicidal feelings and obvious self harm scars pretty well years earlier. The involuntary hospitalization along with the meds they had me on only made things far, far, worse, but it strengthened my will to live and not put myself in that situation again.

I have no idea if I would have the BP1 diagnosis if I hadn't reacted so poorly to the meds, or if had never brought it up with the doctors, because I think my own input (rather than their observations) had a lot to do with it.

I think mood disorder nos was probably the most accurate dx I've ever gotten. I only wish the doctors weren't so pushy with meds; my ability to make decisions for myself was already impaired, so of course I went along with them. I actually just wanted to seem compliant to get out sooner, and I would have been even more vocal about leaving if they weren't cleaning my wound out daily and giving me antibiotics for it.

Even though I stopped risperidone because it was giving me tardive dyskinesia, breasts, sexual problems, strong dissociation/feeling nothing was real, destabilized my mood, amplified my ocd, paranoia, and anxiety, I decided to take it again because the doctor was a manipulative ****

sorry for rambling