I notice there are times that I long for death, being Christian I believe something great waits on the other side and I cannot wait for it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though living with bp means suffering nearly every day, there are still things to be done before I die. Whenever I get unrelenting thoughts of 's', I remind myself of people who would miss me and that I would be causing them pain. I do have all same questions but realize that if I had the answers I would have even more anxiety and fear of the future.