This to me sounds like something that would be good to work through with professional support. I'm not sure if you've already got a therapist or someone similar but that'd be a good place to start. And if you feel comfortable and would like to to open up more about your childhood or anything else you think is causing your pain you are very welcome to do so on this website. I know that for me at least I find it very therapeutic to open up to the community on this site There's lots of loving and caring people here that will listen. I hope you can find relief.