yeah, that makes sense.. that the mania is very personalized, i guess perhaps that may be a reason why im having trouble understanding it and or if i even have mania

most of the time i feel down and out, but put on a smile for everyone and try to do my best to not seem rude or ugly because the inside of me isnt exactly the greenest of gardens, it can often be followed by irritability and "silence"..? or mutism? not sure, i know that i withdraw from people and will just become silent and just exclude myself from things happening around me to try and not lose my head if that makes sense - but i feel the same all the time from what i can tell, or remember.. its not much cycling to it but rather the same story and different page (or day) if that makes sense

i've really been looking hard and trying to understand mania because i feel if its something that i can show them that i do or dont have then it would help the doctor find the right treatment for me faster, evidently me tellign them that im not manic is just not enough to prove it.. so its been a few months since i've been seeing the doctors and im hoping that maybe they will witness it themselves and see my personality/mood and possibly tell me more about myself than i know even!