Well, it's a rather complicated scenario. You see we were never married, we were together 8 years as a couple. We've lived together for 7 of those years. The intention (at least in my mind) was that we would eventually get married, but I felt like I was waiting for a bigger life event to happen with us beforehand (a better job, for one of our careers to take off, for us to find a home of our own and not a rental) just some kind of sign that we were moving into a new stage of our life. I just didn't want us to just go to a courthouse, sign some court document and come back to our (suppose to be temporary living situation, but ended up being almost a decade) one bedroom apartment that night, it all sounded so sad and anticlimactic. Unfortunately that 'bigger life event' didn't happen, at least not in time to save our relationship. So to answer your question as best as I can, we've been "apart" officially for two and a half months (though she's still in process of moving her stuff out), unofficially we've grown apart for nearly two years. We stopped being intimate about 7 months ago (intimate includes any real cuddling, kissing, affection, etc.) it was very lonely being in the relationship in those last several months just before the breakup, but it was even more lonely being out of the relationship all together. I don't know how we became so distant exactly, different work schedules, different hobbies, different interests, just different lives I guess. I still loved and cared about her though, I still wanted us to be happy, and I guess towards the end, if that happiness came to her from her leaving, then I was willing to accept it, even if I hated it. I suggested couples counselling while back, and I even went to some therapy by myself to try and better my own communication skills and improve our relationship as a whole, but it was all too little too late.

Perhaps you are right 'Big Mama'. I think part of me knows that with these last couple sexual encounters I've been moving a bit too fast, and jumping into the "singles deep end" so to speak before even learning how to swim once again, but the overwhelming loneliness is stifling, it suffocates me. I might be a fool thinking I could mask it with casual sex, somehow trick myself into feeling affections and connections without any of the work and time, but those nights when I'm sitting alone in bed can really play horrible tricks on my mind. They remind me of all the things I no longer have, all the things I built up with someone that got torn down in an instant, all the things I took for granted. I've discussed most of this with friends and family, even talked to an actual therapist, but even talking about it doesn't make any of those feelings actually go away, I still have to feel them every night, I still have to face my loneliness for who knows how long. I've always been a lonely person, always needed people to stay in my life, stay with me, I've always feared abandonment and change. Who knows, maybe in my quest to find some sexual enjoyment from being a single again I've actually only shown myself that I need to concentrate on the 'single' part a bit longer. You can't begin to love another person again till you begin just loving yourself once more.

And to answer your question Webgoji, I'm not currently on any antidepressants, although I do manage high blood pressure with medication (genetic problem) and I've been told that too low or too high BP can affect one's ability to get and maintain erections. Though I don't believe a medical condition is the case in this situation because, as I mentioned, I'm able to easily get and maintain erections when masturbating by myself just fine. Truthfully I worry sometimes though that my not being with a partner sexually anymore (because I'm mostly with myself) could affect my ability to become aroused when someone else is there. I know what feels good for me and am used to my body, but the feeling of someone else can sometimes feel more alien than a turn on at times. Plus there's this anxiety to make my partner feel good, sometimes I become so concentrated on if they are enjoying things that I neglect to even take my own pleasure into account. I can find it hard to pay attention to my thoughts and sexual feeling because I'm paying attention to theirs. My first time I was so worried that she wouldn't enjoy it that I psyched myself out of climaxing. I just couldn't finish, I waited till she apparently had an orgasm and I sort of faked mine. It took me a while to get used to sex and what made me feel good enough to climax, and I still don't feel like I have it entirely down. With my most recent relationship we spent our 8 years finding out what each of us liked sexually, we got so we knew exactly the right things to say and do for both of us to enjoy ourselves, but it never felt like work, at least not as much as some of my prior sexual relationships did. Part of what I felt I lost when we broke up was that strong sexual connection, and there is a true fear in me that I may not find that with another person. Everyone is different when it comes to what they're into sexually, and to find someone with similar interests in that department feels like it's going to be a daunting task ahead. I still kind of don't know how we even got to that point in my last relationship. Anyway, thanks though for both of your comments, they truly are helping me to think about what may be causing my difficulties and opening up new parts of the bigger picture that I wasn't looking at before, so thanks for that.