I'll take these big, long strides on the path to happiness. Friends, job with a sense of purpose, hobbies that truly make me feel accomplished and happy.
But it crumbles.. slowly at first.. and then dissolves back into the mess I've always dealt with.
I know I'm a strong person. I've been dealing with severe depression since I was 14. I'm 27 now. I just swallow my feelings deep down inside, and carry on.
But will I ever maintain happiness? Can I maintain a relationship? A job? Can I have a fulfilling life? Or will I be struggling uphill for the rest of my days. These are the thoughts that break me down. These nagging ideas that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
I've pushed everyone away. My friends, my family. My family will come back around, they always do. I'll make new friends, I always do. But how long will it last? What will happen when my landlord kicks me out someday? How will I cope if I'm homeless? When will my friends get tired of dealing with me?
Sometimes I want to just escape.. join the military. I don't think I'm capable of having a normal existence. I'm charismatic, friendly, smart, funny, athletic, a kind-hearted person, and truly want to be happy. But I suffer from severe depression and possibly bi-polar disorder. So my life is a struggle. Is it worth it? Will I be happy at the end? or will i have regretted living a life of ups and downs, with nothing to show for it?
I know I probably won't feel this way tomorrow.. or next week.. or however long it takes for this episode to pass. But why do I have to be like this?
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sometimes we have the opportunity to sail with the wind, sometimes we must sail against it.. but nonetheless we must sail. we cannot drift, nor lay anchor. we must sail on
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