isn't it funny how for so long i wanted a t... wanted a t... wanted a t to talk to me... then when i actually do get one i'm terrified. part of me cringing in the corner. and the nicer he is the more that part of me cringes in the corner.

stuff comes up fast. he seems to have the hang of the paradoxical nature of it all... don't push me and i'll start pushing myself. don't give homework just give suggestions and i'll methodically apply myself to it. the more he is happy to keep things light the more the parts inside plunge into the depths.

its scary. scary scary scary. need to lighten it somehow. i've been meaning to write to him. but... it is a little too much a little too far. trouble is that where i'm at right now i see two options: i withdraw and receed a little... a little bit sullen. a little bit distant. or i tell him whats going on and he will explore it and then the terror etc will amp up. maybe... right now... to care for myself... what i need to do is trust him enough to cope okay with the withdrawal and sullenness. that his sheer niceness will result in that melting anyway. maybe maybe maybe i have to be careful 'cause things can move a bit fast.