I understand...but....

Do any of us really 'have' anyone other than our own selves?

I am now happily married and have had the same feelings you now have...I just hadn't found this forum at that point..l actually thought that I could not possibly go on if something happened to my husband... feeling THAT terror of losing him deeply forced me to accept that it is ME I cannot go on without...that i had yet to embrace ME...and that i had better get on with doing so.

EVERYONE has special and wonderful traits... please contemplate yours...once YOU can get ahold of valuing yours, things WILL change for you, little by little...

Today, I explored the Self-esteem forum...have you done that yet?

Sending you another hug!
Thank you for continuing to share...even the hardest of thoughts...getting them out is so important...examining them is urgent... examine your thoughts for truth... you will find THE truth... you are enough... If i am, you are also!

We all are...simply human, and all equally valuable...with or without 'having others'... because there is only one person we can truly 'have'... our own self.
Hope that helped. YOUR WILL is not what you need... you need your love...your will is sure to surface then...I feel it happening to me... and i felt just like you...
I really did...and I refuse to go back...but, i am grateful to have hit that bottom...it woke me up...really...I am slowly building the self-love that then generates more 'will.'

Chloe