Maybe you want to go... IF....

you know, the IF the family would not fight or IF the family would love and appreciate me or IF...

and then there are the BUTs...

You have at least a start on the balance sheet... pros and cons. I think you probably should lean on the con side, and not go. You can mourn or grieve in your own way. Your health is not good enough, imo, right now to add that stress (driving, family etc.) TC of yourself.