hey zen. yeah... i wanted a t. and now, finally, i've got exactly what i wanted. sometimes i feel like i need to pinch myself. he seems a little too good, too good to be true. i know he isn't perfect. he surprises me at times. yeah, part of my feeling like this is idealisation, no doubt, but it still feels too good to be true. like i need to pinch myself. i'm so very happy that i'm working with him.

but... yeah. now i have someone to do the hard work with. which is what i wanted for so long. before i could rail because i really really really really really wanted to do the hard work but nobody was there to help me along (i mean therapy wise). but i can't rail at that anymore. now i'm at the point where he is there and he is willing to help me with it and now it is down to me. and now i'm realising just how hard this hard work is going to be. just how damned hard it is.

i think he will be okay with a little bit of sullenness and distance. i think he will be okay. i'm fairly sure he will be okay. but then... sometimes you need to experience things over and over to come to really grasp that yeah, it will be okay. i read something about how in the initial phases therapy can be a succession of little tests. little tests and little assessments on how things pay off. and i guess that is right with respect to how therapy goes in the initial stages for me. but then there is a little more to it as well. there is the building up of a common language and understanding. we are still getting to know each other with respect to that. building up that base of background common knowledge. building up our ability to communicate. so yeah, maybe the distance and sullenness can be one of those little assessments. to see how that goes. because i guess part of my worrying about writing to him was fear that he would terminate me or jump back himself if he sees me backing off.

but then on the other hand... there are some things i want to say about boundaries... so maybe i'll do this yet. i guess it is about phrasing it carefully so i say what needs to be said and maybe not tell him about kt's reactions just yet...

thank you zen. you do contribute. more than you know. thanks so much for what you have contributed. i'm sorry... i'm not there for you more. (((((zen))))) helped me so much, thank you