jesus god. i'm told the holidays are supposed to be all "Happy Happy Joy Joy" but i've yet to see it.

the whole ******** clan (my dads side) gathers cristmas eve to get as crap faced as possible, then sit there and sneer, talk about, and backstab each other........

my mom HAS to do her dinner "i just love having all my family around" but when you get there she's all sweaty and red faced from standing over a hot stove all day, in the process of snapping, guzzling wine faster than my dad can pour it..,never ending comments about how she cooked all day with no help and how ungrateful we all are....oh, and we've learn'd to eat as slow as possible, cause if you actually sit there and enjoy your meal she has a nervous breakdown that the food was eaten too fast and we're all out the door for a smoke.....!F&K!

it just goes on and on and on.....and that just my side of the family.

this will be my second year with clear eyes too. i am doing my best not to dread it cause that will only make it worse.
for me the anxiety and the stress it causes is the killer. i just can't deal with my family, and at this time of the year i have to.(family used to be #1 because i was too enmeshed with them, but i cut most of them out/off...like limited contact....and now my life is much better).

in the months leading up to, i made damn sure i don't miss a dose of medication, and in the 2 weeks prior to, i work out "plans" with my psychologist....i do a lot of cognitive therapy, so the plans are basically looking at how things have gone down in the past, why they were that way, how i'd rather them be, and what i can do to make it that way. the plans are on different levels to, physical, and mental.

even with all this tho - sitting there, surrounded by what looks like happy people.....i don't feel it, and at best that makes me feel awful. i force a smile - it's terrible, but these days i can't even be bother'd to fake small talk.....i leave and go smoke every 5 or 10 min.
eventually they zone in on me and i'm trap'd. want to know what i'm dong, what i've been up to. i want to scream. nothing. i've done nothing. i'm doing my best to stay well and that's taking up all my time....but i can't, cause *we're* not allow'd to go there...

anyways, sorry for the rant. hope i didn't depress you more.