This sounds a lot like my experience. I remember parts of what was done to me and what the surroundings were like. I remember being so afraid. Bits of memories still come back sometimes. They make me cry sometimes, take my breath away others, leave me crushed sometimes, but sometimes I feel just relieved to be able to get answers. For you, I'm really sorry you had to pretend to enjoy what was obviously so painful and made your heart race. If you come to remember more, try to be gentle with yourself and find support where it's safe, including here.

Be well,

mtd