actually, the stuff does have a reputation for abuse....but yeah, the dose you take is CRAZY. in a weird way your sort of speedballing. upper and downer.

mixing it with booze is how it's abused (or, at least that's supposed to be how it feels best). i think like 400mg at a time, drink your face off, enjoy the totally euphoric yet (apparently) clear buzz...then when things start to get fuzzy pop more pills and keep chugging along. all i can think is good way to get alcohol poisoning...

go easy on yourself and smack the idea of *weak willed* out of your head. addiction has nothing to do with will - if it did, there wouldn't be any addicts. we all have the will to not use....that's like telling someone who's stuck in an undertow and drowning "just swim!".

that's a lot of stuff on your plate wisedude; don't punish yourself and force yourself to do it all alone. if one of the women you lived with sat down and told you all this about themselves what would your advice be to them?