I think you are kidding yourself if you think your T's don't realize how upset you are and can't see through your efforts to hold back your emotions. Have you considered that your tears would be of absolutely no surprise or shock to your T's at all? They already know this about you. Perhaps one day you will be able to let go of that false sense of control (it is only an illusion to you) and just be real with your emotions. I hope that for you. I completely understand where you are coming from (been there; done that), but hopefully you'll feel safe enough to just let things be what they are at some point, without feeling any shame about it. It really makes things easier and ultimately more healing.