I'm confused. Maybe this is because I do not have a good relationship with the woman who calls herself my mother but has really done nothing motherly to claim that title. So maybe that is what is confusing me.

I thought that good moms don't leave. I guess in death? Are you relating leaving your T to the death of your mother? I thought the idea is that the feeling of being cared for is supposed to continue on when she's not there.

I also thought maternal transference only happened when there wasn't a good relationship with your mother although I guess that doesn't make sense. You can project positive stuff I guess.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't even respond to this when I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I'm just trying to understand.

I love my mum. It would never occur to me to compare the grief of her passing away to therapy termination. Not even to Ts dying.
Maybe it's your thing RB? Why you're that hooked up on T and upset about terminating?

It was very painful for my relationship with Madame T to fail in exactly the same way as my relationship with my mother. Here we go again. What have I gained by doing it twice?

But maybe my next relationship will be better!

The "good relationship" with my mom ended when I was about three. So yes, it ended way too soon. It's upsetting if I think about it too much. I went through a similar loss with my older siblings and extended family and that was all done and over by the time I was 9. They all hurt the same.

Whenever I've lost other people over the years, whenever they've left... it brings those feelings back up. It hurts and it makes me feel a bit angry and confused, because I don't know what I did to be rejected so often and so easily.

The ones that aren't family hurt the most now, because I'm more numb to the family stuff by now. And I can go "well... I didn't choose my family, but I did think I made a good choice with X." which makes things easier with the family... but harder with friends.

I think it's about saying to yourself " yes, endings are painful, whether the ending is thru death or end of a relationship, but i still have me, i'm still in possession of myself, i will be ok."

I struggle terribly with endings of any sort but i think it's because i haven't taken real possession of myself, i'm not enough for myself yet. I don't believe in my ability to survive the feelings of painful endings. But what i have realised this year is that ending are a natural part of life and they will come regardless of how i feel about them, so now i'm trying to tell myself that i will be ok. It will hurt but i will survive it, like i have all the other times people have walked away or things have come to a natural conclusion.

I try to remember that people who come into my life and back out again all have something to teach me, good or bad. And i try to take some sort of learning from my time with them.

I wouldn't begin to compare the loss of a therapist to the deep grief and loss that comes with the death of a loved one. Not even close to the same category for me. Yes, I love my T, but he's not family. He hasn't been in my life since birth. I don't have the family ties with him. When T and I part ways, T isn't dying. We're just going to move on to different stages in our lives. Death doesn't allow that other person that option.

There are times when I observe myself-- if I have enough self-awareness-- literally putting others into a "role", usually that of my abusive father. My T says that people do this all the time, but mostly we do it unconsciously. It has been very freeing to realize when I'm doing this, and to stop-- to allow people to be themselves, without the role constraints I try to box them into. I find people are usually nothing like my father, once I stop treating them as if they are.

Shouldn't the similarities in the "failing" of both relationships suggest that you had a substantial part to play in what happened-- you are, after all, the common denominator. Instead of looking at that, it seems like you engage in a lot of effort to convince yourself that it was your T's fault.

To Rainbow-- I think the same principle might apply to whatever is going on with your T right now. If you have cast her in the role of "the mother who abandons me", then of course it's going to feel really bad when you end therapy.

I would compare the end of therapy to a college graduation. Of course it is sad to leave behind all the good times, the support, the ability to grow and learn, but the real world calls. Be happy with what you've achieved and move into your life, taking the care your T has given you and the lessons with you. I'm sure you'll be fine. If you're not-- many T's take Medicare, and I think the co-payment is $10 or something like that.

As somebody who lost one of the parents at very young age... I find this bit far-fetched.

For me what is sad about deaths, especially premature ones is not that "I don't have the person in my life anymore" but because something ended with them. They mighta do more things in their lifes. They carried memories that are now gone. Oftentimes I wish I had my grandmother or father or other relatives around to ask them something. But they are not there.

While i miss the living that drifted away from me, I know they are there, living their lives....

Imho, one should not take death or partings personally. As in "I lost somebody". You never owned the person in first place. You lose a connection, sure... but there is a greater picture to look at.

my relationship with my mom was all over the place , i was neither loved properly, I know I was given alot of mixed messages and no nurturing, lots of emotional and verbal abuse going on.

Cant compare that to my t though, because I am not looking for nurturing or touch with my t nor am I looking for a mom figure with my t, that would be too scary for me, at least at a concious level, maybe I am doing it at an unconcious level who knows.