I was really bitten on the behind by the first psychiatrist for being honest and saying I had suicidal thoughts. So, from that moment on, ONE CARDINAL RULE -- kind of my own Prime Directive -- NEVER ADMIT TO SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I will NEVER be put into the position of being forced into any kind of treatment again. NEVER.

So, I have been pondering big questions lately. I can't go on the way I am, it is a Hellish situation, like some kind of purgatory, caught between life and death. I am so torn between believing I can have a future, and believing that getting a psychiatric diagnosis and being sent to a day hospital program was functionally a death sentence for me, just a slow-motion death spiral.

I ponder this constantly. Can I dare to hope I have a future, that I can have a meaningful, happy life? Or, is my "crime" of ending up in psychiatric treatment one so serious that it merits capital punishment? I don't know. All I do know is that a decision either way would be a relief.

So, I was talking about this yesterday with my T. Of course, I CANNOT violate my prime directive, so I would make vague statements about "lack of a future" or "nowhere to go". And, when she pressed me, I substituted the concept of homelessness -- "I will end up homeless" instead of "I will end up dead".

But that is THE question of my life now -- do I dare even HOPE I can have a meaningful future? Or, would it just be more pain and suffering, and would I be better off dead? I don't know. Usually, I have a sense, a flavor, of how things will go, of how they should go. This one, not a clue. All I know is that I need to make a decision and go with it, because the present situation is untenable.

My T basically thinks it's a stupid question -- why wouldn't I have future? As she keeps telling me, no one knows about this unless I choose to tell them. Except for the people that could find out some other way, or the people that find out if medical records suddenly lose legal protection, or if the government decides it really does want to keep a mental health registry like it keeps a sex offender registry.

I still feel that I have no future if people know I spent time at a psych program.

So, is it worth gambling more time, emotional energy, and money on the HOPE I am never outed.

Or, just give in, get it over with, and be done with it?

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