The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek. I know it's ME who makes ME feel the way I feel.

Yet, I can honestly say: I FEEL like crap when I am around her.
I FEEL resentment coming from her. I FEEL unwanted and unloved by her. I walk on egg-shells.....
Why is everything I do met with such criticism?
If I sneeze, I'm too loud.... If I take a day off of work, I'm lazy..... If I cook something, it's too salty/smokey/dry/fattening ..... How is she so critical of me one minute, then pick up the phone and talk to ANYONE else with such love, attention and sympathy

How did I let her take control of my emotions like this??? Why do I give her so much power???? Why do I seek approval so badly?????

Fourteen years I 'slept'.... but now I am waking up... slowly, but, YES... I am awake now..... and I am starting to get in touch with ME.... But, the more I wake up the clearer it becomes: WE are on different roads, different wavelengths, more-so, we are going in different directions. When I bring up the need for outside marriage help or counseling.... I am accused of being TOOOO sensitive... TOO emotional.... TOO dramatic....
For a while, I believe it... until my senses come back to me and I snap out of it.

Now what????

My insecure self-punishing voice tells me, "it's your own fault... it's your own doing, so live with it... it is the bed you have made!!"

But, the my enlightened and awakening part of me says, "you deserve more... you deserve better"....
Then the internal fight begins...
"what will others say???..... because of my decades old facade..... family members, will think it is ME who is the selfish one... it is ME who destroyed the marriage... it is ME who is the horrible person for seeking happiness..."

Now what??????